Finding Nowhere

Let's get away, you say. Let's pretend to be adventurers, explorers, map-makers. You laugh with my hands in your hands and my incredulous stare on your face. I let you laugh. That is your job. I let you be outrageous. That is your job.

A fine proposition but where shall we go? Nowhere is uncharted. I speak in logic. That is my job.

I know that twinkle in your eyes. I know it well. It comes after laughter, before witty sarcasm and during love.

So let's find Nowhere.

I should have known.

Alright. I relent. Let's just get in the car and start this foolish game. You laugh again. This time I wonder at what.

Not this car, love. No.




I can't believe this. I just can't believe what I just did.

Cheer up, love. It's a good car. You smile soothingly. Now we're really being adventurous. I cringe.

Tell me how you managed to convince me to give up my nice continental car for a worn out one? You don't have to answer that question. I know pretty well how you managed it. You know I know it. You just sit back and look around at the worn upholstery and run your hands across the dashboard. I feel my hands around the steering wheel and readjust my seat.

Oh well. I start the engine and back out of the garage. At least we have extra money if anything goes wrong.

You smile. But it's a bit sad. I wonder why.




Where are we now? You ask after the familiar dregs of city-life have faded away. Everywhere we look we can see green hilltops and dense trees.

The road less travelled. I joke.

And according to Frost, a better road to be on. Right, love? You do not need to argue about it anymore. I have driven this far, haven't I? But I just smile.

You wind down the window and immediately fresh air like none encountered in the city sweeps in. I take a deep breath and I know you see me doing so. You know not to gloat when you are right about something. And most of the time, however spontaneously outrageous your ideas may be, you are always right.

So I learn not to be bitter about it and you not to brag about it.

What if we reach the end of the road? I ask, again letting logic conquer my mind. You turn and look at me, adoring my contradiction to you.

Then we turn around, love. You sweep your hand through my hair flying in the breeze and tuck them behind my ears. And find another road less travelled.




The ice cream man smiles at me as he hands over the cone. I ask him where are we. The innocent quest for whereabouts becomes a conversation.

He talks about his rounds by the beach. He talks about the few tourists who found their way to this quiet village. He talks about how he knows each and every village children's favourite ice cream. He talks about how the government has realized the potential of this beach and is making a tourism project nearby. He talks about the families starting to move into cities or nearer to the town. He talks about what the development is going to do to the beach.

I listen and nod and shake my head. After I finish another cone and this one on the house, I return to you. You are always quiet when there is a stranger. You are only laughing and talking with me. I know you enough to not question your ways. Just as you don't question mine but love me for who I am.

I offer you a bite off the cone. You smile and decline. Your eyes are on the blue horizon. They seem sad. And that is strange. I wonder again why.

Is this Nowhere? I ask you.

No. You smile slightly. This is home for many people. But soon it won't be. But it is still Somewhere for many. And soon, it'll be here for more. No. This is not Nowhere.

I nod and look at the blue horizon. I listen to the ring of the ice cream man's bell and the children calling his name. I listen to the grind of machines, the excavation for hotels starting already. I listen and I nod again.

You're right. I stand up and brush off the sand from my pants. Let’s go find Nowhere.




I am scared. I look at the people in tattered shirts. They look at me, smiling habitually and urge me to follow them quickly.

We found a stall by the roadside. The people were selling fruits. By the jungle. We stopped and I asked them to take us to a place that doesn't exist. I expected to be laughed at. Or perhaps just shouted at. But the good people huddled in discussion and the woman, the eldest among them, motioned me to follow two girls and a man down a trail we didn't see at first.I look back to where you are following close and the braveness I see in your eyes make me strong. I move faster, picking my steps carefully, watching where I place my hands.

We walk for about an hour. And suddenly we reach a clearing. The girls and the man stand at the end of the path and usher us to look at the clearing. It is a circle of about ten meters in diameter. The trees that grow around the edges are tall and mature. They grow straight and fence the clearing, but their foliage, as if longing to be close to their cousins, reach out to each other, enclosing the clearing with a canopy a few stories high. Enough light filter down and the clearing has a luminescent green air to it.

The man step in the clearing and start telling a story. About a princess of their tribe. About a prince of a rival tribe. About love. About hatred and war. About a new life far from the hatred and war.This is where our people start. The princess and prince built a hut in this clearing. We are a young tribe, only a few hundred years old. We are the first around this area to succumb to your modernization. Our village now has many commodities. But we still respect our elders and our beginnings. Our village is about an hour from this place. But we keep this place clear, in memory of an old time. A time that does not exist anymore. The man look upwards. His face is a mixture of sadness and pride and thankfulness.

This is not Nowhere. You whisper to me quietly. This is Everywhere for them.




I think this is a fool's errand. I give you a side-long glance but you only smile and look ahead.

We have been travelling for a few hours since Everywhere and you have not spoken a single word. I am trying to infiltrate your silence.

How can we ever find Nowhere? It is a place that does not exist.

Love. You speak. Your voice, when it comes, is like a burst of tears and laughter to me. I feel content already. Love. You must know we are on the right track. Not that far now.

I scoff lightly, an invitation for an explanation.

First we were Somewhere and that is not much. And then we were Everywhere and that leaves not much. If the places we look for is not the right one, we must look Elsewhere.

I drive in silence. I feel your smiling stare on me, taunting me to speak the revelation.

And now we are Elsewhere. You smile. I drive on.



Not that far now. You say for the umpteenth time. We are on a road that slopes up gradually. Canopies peak on our right and the sky is a blue canvas sprawling over our horizon. It is truly a glorious day. I feel the wind rush through my fingers as I wave my hand out of the window. The air is slightly cooler as we climb higher and higher.

You don't seem at ease to me. Not that far now. The more you say it, the more you fidget in worry. I wonder what it is that you have in mind. I work myself up to ask you.

What is the matter? I look your way.

A wall of silence and you seem so still that I can barely see you breath. And then you turn to smile at me.

We're here.

And then you grab the wheel and push it hard to the right. I am too shocked to react. The car swerves off the road and into the canopies. Suddenly the ground is behind us and the trees are below us. Suddenly the blue sky move upwards and we are falling and falling and falling. The colours rush around my vision but still I look at you.

We’re Nowhere.

I see your lips move but I can't hear you above the roaring of the approaching trees. Suddenly, everything jump sideways in my vision. My eyeballs rock back and forth and my vision blurs. I last see your smile as I ask a single question, swallowed by the movement and sound.

Why?




I touch the white cast on my leg. My head is still ringing as if I have just got off a roller-coaster ride.

The nurse comes with a tray of food and smiles at me as she arranges it at my bed. I spoon the chocolate pudding and slowly begin to eat. It is a month since Nowhere but I have only been awake for 3 days. I suffered a head injury that put me into a coma. The doctors say it is a miracle for me to have survived.

I still haven't spoken a word since I woke up.

Hey there. I look up. It was her at the door. It has been so long since she'd ever said anything to me. That small greeting was enough to break the silent war we had.

Hello. I smile.

We used to be so close and together all the time. That was until she met him. He came and we disappear. He was her love, her friend, her everything. I was obsolete. I used to see them everywhere, even if I try to avoid the usual places. She was always with him, smiling and laughing and pretending I was not there.

And then you came and I was whole again. At least, until we were Nowhere.

I cry suddenly. I cry big splashes of tears creating a torrential wave on my cheeks. I sob and I can't stop. She rushes to my side and gives me a hug. After all these years, I am once again in her arms.

They can't find her. I sob out. They say they can't find another body there.

She looks at me in a mix of emotions. I see her go through fear, pity and pain all at once. She opens her mouth to say something but she can't think of anything to say.

They can't find her. They can't find her. They can't find her.

She grabs my shoulder and pushes me back so that I look into her eyes.

Love. She says softly, just like the old times. Love. I see a tear forming in the corner of her eye. Love.

You were alone in the car. You were alone all the time. There was nobody with you.

I stop crying and look at her with wonder.

I know.

And behind her I see you creeping into the room. So let’s find nowhere, you say, smiling with a demonic cheer. I smile and hug her.

Let’s find nowhere, I say to her.

Come with me, I plead.




Inspired by
__ Over the Pond - Album Leaf
__ Afif Shahnor